Dr Cheryl Meier's Blog

Walk in Love

Tag: self-help

Gratitude & Thanksgiving

So I watched this short video today on the essential (spiritual) state of gratitude:

Gratitude: The Essential State

It reminded me so much of the Beastie Boys song!

What’d you think —
did you miss your calling?
It’s so free this kind of feeling
It’s like life It’s so appealing
when you’ve got so much to say
It’s called gratitude…

I just had to post it here for you all…

I had visions of writing a long blog for you today…but the kids are out of school so my creative, quiet time is here, after midnight…

I’ll have to return another time, I hope for this week!

Meanwhile, I wish you love! This school of Life is so important! Embrace Love and don’t let go! Hold on for dear life! Receive the Love that is at this moment being offered to you…

Oh! I’m hearing two other songs overlapping as I’m wrapping this up for you! And I don’t know this first song well– but I just looked up the lyrics– the part I heard in “my mind’s ear” 🙂

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me…

And here’s a beautiful other, lovely part of this same song:

Well, I’ve been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
‘Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me…
~ John Hiatt

So beautiful, cause my older brother and I got to speak on the phone today– about taking a slow and steady path of faith (and psychological healing, health, rising consciousness, and spiritual growth!) — and how my personality is one that likes to move rapidly onward!

… but recognizing also, how important it is, to be balanced– or else one does not journey “further up and further in” as CS Lewis wrote about in his Narnia book ~ The Last Battle!

Balanced, meaning:
If I grow one sided, in Knowledge,
but have no Understanding,
then I do not have a map to direct my Knowledge.

And if I am not growing in my Being
(or awakened state/loving essence) — then I won’t arrive at a true Understanding either….

Lots more I’d like to describe for you but let these be seeds to further your own exploration!

Oh, and the other song I was hearing simultaneously!

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
of your feet upon the ground
Carry on, Carry on…
~ Fun

Have a lovely American Thanksgiving!
Wishing you love always,
Dr Cheryl

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Awareness vs Pushing

A quick story/quote from this book I’m currently reading!

This book was recommended to me by someone with more years here on this earth than me, more experience, and she has a different perspective — but the book is like a breath of fresh air! It’s called Awareness, by Anthony DeMello, a Jesuit priest, born in India who also was a psychotherapist! (You wonder why it resonates with me so much!)

I wanted to briefly share with you these excerpts before I go back to “work”!*(I added the bold for emphasis)*

“You know, sometimes people want to imitate Christ, but when a monkey plays a saxophone, that doesn’t make him a musician. You can’t imitate Christ by imitating his external behavior.

You’ve got to be Christ.

Then you’ll know exactly what to do in a particular situation, given your temperament, your character, and the character and temperament of the person you’re dealing with. No one has to tell you. But to do that, you must be what Christ was. An external imitation will get you nowhere.

If you think that compassion implies softness, there’s no way I can describe compassion to you, absolutely no way, because compassion can be very hard. Compassion can be very rude, compassion can jolt you, compassion can roll up its sleeves and operate on you. Compassion is all kinds of things. Compassion can be very soft, but there’s no way of knowing that. It’s only when you become love – in other words, when you have dropped your illusions and attachments – that you will “know”.”
~ Anthony DeMello

And further on in the book, he gives us this brilliant story that so aptly conveys the concepts I’m always going on about regarding dropping the “should” in our lives… Dr. Surkis would teach us, “when you ‘push’, there’s always a push back…”

20160928-090409.jpg
**
DeMello writes:

“Meditating on and imitating externally the behavior of Jesus is no help. It’s not a question of imitating Christ, it’s a question of becoming what Jesus was. It’s a question of becoming Christ, becoming aware, understanding what’s going on within you. All the other methods we use for self change could be compared to pushing a car.

Let’s suppose you have to travel to a distant city. The car breaks down along the way. Well, too bad; the car’s broken down. So we roll up our sleeves and begin to push the car. And we push and push and push and push, till we get to the distant city. “Well”, we say, “we made it”. And then we push the car all the way to another city!

You say, “We got there, didn’t we”? But do you call this life? You know what you need? You need an expert, you need a mechanic to lift the hood and change the spark plug. Turn the ignition key and the car moves. You need the expert — you need understanding, insight, awareness you don’t need pushing. You don’t need effort.

That’s why people are so tired, so weary. You and I were trained to be dissatisfied with ourselves. That’s where the evil comes from psychologically. We’re always dissatisfied, we’re always discontented, we’re always pushing. Go on, put out more effort, more and more effort. But there’s always that conflict inside; there’s very little understanding.”

~ Anthony DeMello

From this book, Awareness
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0385249373/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475076263&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=anthony+demello+awareness&dpPl=1&dpID=41hWzCFQ8BL&ref=plSrch

Much love to each of you who wander here and find these beautiful pearls! I’m so appreciative that these insights and thoughts have come my way! I wanted to share immediately with you!
~ Dr C

Extra:

Anthony de Mello – Awareness pt.1 on waking up

  • https://youtu.be/4Y3Q7H2urto
  • (**I found the picture online from a blogger named Darren Lang )

    On Chivalry

    I found this and watched this today…it is such a valuable teaching!

    Lewis actually says a line in this clip that one of my dear musician friends said to me–( regarding therapy) that it is an art and the canvas is a human life!

    Lewis, here, speaks of the nature of chivalry and how it is an enlightened way of being –that is an art, to be developed in a human. It doesn’t happen naturally.

    I’m back from summer holidays so I plan to be consistent here again! I do post regularly on Twitter @DrCherylM (https://mobile.twitter.com/drcherylm?lang=en)
    And on Facebook as well — but I like to get more in depth here …

    Much love to you all who find this! And love to those who don’t as well!
    ❤️

    The Necessity of Chivalry
    by C.S. Lewis Doodle

    Love is the Answer Seminar 

    I uploaded this seminar on YouTube this evening!

    … It’s newly recorded, updated from one I made before!

    Love is the Answer is the title and link!

    I teach about how to get more love and healing into your life! Also:

    • Why we “depress” ourselves, or stay in anger or anxiety–
    • Why we get so mad when people push certain buttons.
    • What blocks us from intimacy
    • How to be more self-compassionate and kind.
    • Where we developed these patterns of behavior from and how to be more conscious in regards to healing our specific patterns!
    • Aligning ourselves with and connecting more to the love of God

    Much love to each of you!

    I’ll keep you updated with quotes, encouragement, and resources here on my @DrCherylM Twitter page too!

    Somebody Loves You: Releasing Old Wounds to Let Love In

    I was reading the mystic, Julian of Norwich this week and I happened across her words:

    The greatest honor we can give Almighty God is to live gladly because of the knowledge of his love.

    Yes, of course we would and could live gladly when we are in our right mind and heart and have an experiential knowledge of His love.  If we knew that the Creator of the universe loved us, why would anything in this world really even bother us?

    I could spout out theology until I am blue in the face but that does not give us the experience of this deep love that Julian of Norwich is describing!

    She writes:

    In his love he clothes us, enfolds us and embraces us;

    that tender love completely surrounds us, never to leave us…

    So what do we do with the part of ourselves that feels like Elliott’s song:

    “God don’t make no junk but it’s plain to see, he still made me…” ~Elliott Smith

    Surely our actions and choices in our lives cannot be based solely on how we feel in a moment.  There hast to be a way “out” of this pattern!

    I just gotta get out of this prison cell
    Someday I’m gonna be free, Lord!
    Find me somebody to love…

    ~ Freddie Mercury / Queen

    We pray to God for relief…”Please God, this pain is too much — what can I do to be free of it?  What can I do to genuinely be free of it, not run to something that will just mask my shame and make me feel good in the moment — I want a real solution that will last.”

    You need a love that’s gonna last 

    ~ Prince

    As a side note,  if you wonder why all of these artists, philosophers, musicians and poets of old have access to these kinds of deep truths and understandings of the complexities of our inner  psyche — here’s one writer (a priest) that I found a few weeks ago who described exactly why!

    In creating a work of art, the psyche or soul of the artist ascends from the earthly realm into the heavenly; there, free of all images, the soul is fed in contemplation by the essences of the highest realm, knowing the permanent noumena of things; then, satiated with this knowing, it descends again to the earthly realm. And precisely at the boundary between the two worlds, the soul’s spiritual knowledge assumes the shape of symbolic imagery: and it is these images that make permanent the work of art. Art is thus materialized dream, separated from the ordinary consciousness of waking life.

    ~ Pavel Florensky 1882-1937

    arthur rackham pic

    The problem, however, that we run into (Florensky writes much on this) is that we can get “lost” in a certain place within our spiritual imagination and we think we are growing closer to God and doing all sorts of “spiritual things” to please God, when really– we are in a place that is akin to the dreaded sleep in Tolkien’s Mirkwood Forest, or listening to the Siren’s songs of old, or C.S. Lewis’s Dark Island — where our “dreams” are being played out — but truly, we have put ourselves in a kind of sleep.

    It is too much to describe in one blog post, but I know myself well enough to know that I will not stop in my pursuit of giving people this warning and as much understanding of it as I can…The spiritual Fathers from long ago (400A.D.) call it “prelest” (Here is the wiki, but that often is edited. Here is an Orthodox site that describes it as well.)

    It is actually a really painful subject for me to talk about — but I remember reading a certain Madeleine L’Engle book (Two Part Invention) where she said something about how her most painful books often turn out the “best”…not necessarily commercially, but because they cut to the quick…

    My part here, in this blog, besides to assemble all of these thoughts that have helped me on this path we are contemplating together in this “weekly session” — is to say, that sometimes we have deep trauma or rejection from early experiences in life. We have the capacity to seal them off and bury them with tons of “numbing glue” and not even realize it.  As much as we try to just take a big stamp and stamp it over our face “God Loves you” “Jesus Loves you” etc.  It doesn’t work that way.  True healing does not work that way.

    God did not create a static ocean that just stands still, in one place…the streams feed it, the rivers feed it, it is in motion.  Like the word “e-motion” it is in motion.  When our past is extricated away from us and our feelings are frozen solid and there are deep painful places we dare not go — we can’t just think a “Jesus Stamp” will make it all go away.  Jesus did not put a “Jesus Stamp” up upon the cross.  He lived a reality where he experienced the abuse –as an innocent man–, scorning its shame — he could have escaped at any moment, he didn’t. He didn’t face it to be a doormat or a pleaser either.  It is a mystery — like the quote I put on Facebook last week:

    We see…it is not the task of Christianity to provide easy answers to every question but to make us progressively aware of a mystery.
    ~Kallistos Ware

    We must do the best work that we can, always,  to stay watchful and meaningful, and vigilant, to pursue truth in our innermost parts and to invite God to truly Love us, to clarify these great mysteries — and help us to heal these old, old glued over wounds.  We must begin to be honest…to not force ourself, but do not accept our old excuses either, because they are lies.

    “If we don’t pray according to the needs of the heart, we repress our deepest longings. Our prayers may not be rational, and we may be quite aware of that, but if we repress our needs, then those unsaid prayers will fester.”

    ~ Madeleine L’Engle

    and then Julian of Norwich writes:

    …the goodness of God is the highest object of prayer and it reaches down to our lowest need.

    and she writes this:

    Grace transforms our failings full of dread into abundant, endless comfort…our failings full of shame into a noble, glorious rising…our dying full of sorrow into holy, blissful life. …. Just as our contrariness here on earth brings us pain, shame and sorrow, so grace brings us surpassing comfort, glory, and bliss in heaven…And that shall be a property of blessed love, that we shall know in God, which we might never have known without first experiencing woe…

    It is so important that we do not use “spirituality” as a way to escape from the problems that we have.  We were given a human body and psyche — Soul, Spirit, Mind, Heart — I won’t differentiate all of those now, because I have run out of the time I allotted for this “session” — but when we turn to an “all mystic” approach and insist on “staying up in some kind of spiritual high” — we are not respecting the fact that we are living within a body.  We can get lost in our own imaginings…

    When people do not know what to do with the pain of their past, we find ways to try to “get over it”… Sometimes the best way over — is through.

    “The growth of love is not a straight line, but a series of hills and valleys.” ~ Madeleine L’Engle

    Here’s a 1 minute video…

    a Blessing Poem of John O’Donohue’s before he passed from this world:

    The Cause and Cure for Any Addiction

    I’m going to direct us back to some of the basics here, but do NOT let the simplicity of what I am about to say fool you! My experience over the last 20 years has led me to see reoccurring patterns. This is my art/skill/craft/expertise!

    If and when you understand these patterns then you can set yourself free, for the rest of your life.

    “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”

    So, addictions, or any kind of self-betraying (or other-betraying) behavior occurs because of shame. Another way to describe this fuel of addiction is:

    I am cut off from the True Source of LOVE.

    —> This “disconnect” creates SHAME.

    —> Shame is what fuels addictions.

    Why else would I keep going back to alcohol, drugs, cheating on my spouse, workaholism, eating disorders, faking-perfection, obsessions, video-games, tv, or other addictions? These kinds of behaviors are NOT in alignment with how I would like to treat someone that I love. 

    We cannot make these behaviors go away, no matter how much we “try”– we have to see what the root cause is, and heal that.  Once we identify the cause then we can find a true cure!

    This disconnect from the True Source of Love occurs out of some form of ignorance/ not-knowing, in fullness.  ( I.e.: “Forgive them Father for they know not what they are doing.)

    Ignorance:  I was never taught and/or never experienced a real depth of love and intimacy. I wasn’t shown the truth of what this means! In addition to that, I was taught, by my parent’s behavior or the environment around me, that Love is not available to me — for whatever reason, they showed me that I was not worth the effort to love in that immense capacity.

    If you do not “have it” you cannot give it away — so my parent’s “not having” this love– communicated to me that I cannot have it either, but that is not the truth — it may be the truth of what we experienced, but it is not the truth of the fullness of Love we are meant to have and live within.

    This disconnect from REAL LOVE, that we often “feel” but never recognized or put words to, may look like one of these:

    1. “Not measuring up” :  No matter what I did, it never felt like it was quite enough for me to feel truly secure and loved.
    2. “Too Busy to recognize my need for Love”:  I’m so “busy” all the time, working, I have no need of “Love”– I pushed that aside long ago. I’d rather stay busy and numb myself to those tender feelings and experiences.
    3. I’m just gonna wait here“:   They told me it was coming…I “know” I am worth loving…I’m just going to keep taking this substitute (_________) until the Real thing shows up…it’s “just around the corner.” “Maybe if I run faster?”
    4. “It must be my fault”, I’m just a horrible, unlovable person…that’s just the way it is.  I have hurt too many people to deserve love.

    ——————

    Look, it is vital that each of us learns how to walk in integrity, with dignity, and self-respect. This is what it means to “Walk in Love!” To Walk in Love = to Walk in Truth — in the most loving way possible..and even into the seemingly impossible

    When we cut ourselves off, or are cut off, from the true path of Love, then we experience the feeling of shame and emptiness.  That shame and emptiness is way too painful of a place to “live” in, so we create defenses (really early in life!).

    Some of these defenses are:

    1. Depression: We numb our need for Love, press it down and squish our heart so that we don’t constantly feel the pain…we get so used to deadening it all that we don’t even realize what we are actually “actively” doing — de-pressing.
    2. Pleasing: this is much like busyness, we do what we can to achieve, please, perform, or otherwise “fill up” a broken “other” (like a fragile parent) –with the hopes that they will somehow see our worth and fill us up with real Love. Note: “pleasing” is always paired with “waiting”, your life is constantly on hold, while you wait for the other person to “get it“, that you are worth loving.
    3. Apathy: we act like we don’t need this Love, and get used to living on scraps…(this is like depression, but seemingly more resigned to “I just don’t care!” –where depression is more like a continual loss and sadness.)
    4. Anxiety: We surround ourselves with drama and attack ourselves with anxiety, it is like a fog that works to distract us from the deeper pain and loneliness of being cut off from Real LOVE.  We can get so “lost” in the terror and anxiety that we burn out our adrenal glands (I am not a medical doctor so research more on that if you wish!) — all for the “service” of running from experiencing the real feelings underneath and finding the cure/the balm they are asking for.

    There are many others, but it is the same basic pattern, showing up in a myriad of ways. When we learn this new Formula–then we are equipped to take a step back and SEE what is going on– and free ourselves!

    Here is a quick drawing of one of the patterns of addiction — that I often write out in a therapy session so that my client can visually see what he or she is doing: 

    20130908-125602.jpg

    I often call this “The Boot and the Carrot”. You have this giant boot behind you, threatening you; and this carrot (or some mostly-empty-temporary-reward) in front of you– and you constantly put yourself back on this “treadmill”– and THAT is where you are choosing to live!

    When we are drowning in shame, that is when we “use” whatever addiction we have on hand, in efforts to try to fill up the emptiness that our disconnect from REAL LOVE has created.  Then, I feel more shame, because of my secret addiction, and run to more addiction or back on the treadmill to try to “prove” my worth…which is impossible to prove.

    Accepting Real Love is about choosing to receive what is already here.  We are afraid of it and have forgotten it is available to each of us, in an infinite amount.  I am reminded of Christ’s words: “for I have come, not to judge the world, but to give life to the world.” or in the same book of St. John, Jesus says: “I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd…”

    You are free to choose the life of the endless boot and empty carrot for yourself, but then you are missing the deeper experience and reality of REAL LOVE!  This REAL LOVE is what I am constantly making the effort to put into words in all of my posts here.  The real love involves having the courage to step off the treadmill.  

    Look at this beautiful invitation to a different kind of Life–that my dear friend Elliott Smith wrote into his lyrics for us:

    I have become a silent movie
    The hero killed the clown
    Can’t make a sound

    Nobody knows what he’s doing
    –Still–hanging around
    Can’t make a sound

    The slow motion moves me
    The monologue means nothing to me
    Bored in the role, but he can’t stop
    Standing up to sit back down
    Or lose the one thing found

    Eyes locked and shining
    Can’t you tell me what’s happening?
    Why should you want any other
    When you’re a world within a world?

    —-
    Now, knowing Elliott, I’m sure he had 100 different layers of meaning for this song as well as “no meaning”– and I have touched on some in previous posts, but, for now, let’s just see it as another description of how to get off the repetitive, destructive or monotonous cycle– and begin to know real Love.  We can then let go of this disingenuous, yet familiar pattern we’ve been offering ourselves!

    The Way to let go of addictions is to recognize your disconnect from the real Source of Love, and then heal that— and pray to the Creator, God, to help you on this path.  You would have no NEED to get back on the “treadmill” over and over if you were connected to, and living within, the real source of Love…if you knew the real essence of who You are and the depth of Love that God continuously offers us.

    Elliott’s song as a description of this process:

    I have become a silent movie— transformed into this quiet place, where you are observing what is going on, from outside yourself, like watching a movie and not being caught up in lots of dialogue — the constant drama of your competing desires, that each claim to be “you.”

    The hero killed the clown— The hero is your better half, the courageous side of you with high thoughts and aspirations of love — I imagine the breath of God in Adam– like when Aslan breathes on Lucy in the Narnia books — the awakening of the deepest part of our Soul; the “clown”, in my understanding, is your present day personality, or warring desires that always claim to be “you” —  you are on a path to find out how to NOT let the clown part of you dominate over the True Hero.  (I do not want to confuse anyone at this point, but it is important to point out that our warring desires can mimic the hero and act like they are the hero — doing such a “good job” to kill off the joyous child-like part of yourself which can be clown-like.  For example, the super-ego coming in and “like a boss” trampling over the tender child-like parts of ourselves that are beautiful and free. 

    I’ve heard it said, time and again, that every virtue has the propensity to turn into a vice.  Jesus said “my children know my voice” — you can ask God for discernment regarding the part of your Soul to align with and which parts to “repent”/ turn away completely from.  The scriptures remind us we are at war against the ‘world’, the flesh, and the devil: “For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”  

    It is our job, with the help of God, to transform and see, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit of God– and to recognize who the True HERO is. It’s not the one desperately running on the treadmill– because, in this new formula:  “The slow-motion moves me” 

    You would have no need to “prove” yourself if and when you are connected to the True Source of Love:

    The monologue means nothing to meOur outer (present day personality) self, is just a role, that we cannot stop (like a costume that is ours for a certain time). It is NOT our real Self. It stands up and acts like it is “us” …We have been given a body and are embodied within it– but the reflection of me in the mirror is not the sum-total of “me” inside this body.  My body will die and be buried and yet my Soul carries on.

    Or lose the ONE THING found” –is LOVE, it is the “Pearl of Great Price” — our Soul saved –by and in God.  This is a great mystery,  yet we must consciously choose to allow and petition God to keep revealing it to us and in us.  We have forgotten who we are and we are just now remembering…Jesus invited us: “You, come and follow me…let the dead bury their own dead.”

    Eyes locked and shining…can you tell me what’s happening?

    Yes! You are an initiate. You are connecting yourself, if you choose, to the Love of God– you are being transformed, and transforming into something of much more depth and beauty than the boringness and the slavery of our pettiness and addictions!

    What “right” do I have to cut myself off from the Source of all Love? If we are all connected, then as I cut myself off from Love, I am also cutting you off from Love. (This goes into quantum physics – which I certainly like to study, but cannot yet explain…)

    Clearly, I could go on and on to describe this is deeper and different ways– but, most people these days don’t have the time or attention span, etc. I’ll write more blogs and I have others available here and my YouTube channel! (www.youtube.com/user/drcherylmeier ).

    Please share a link to my blog with like-minded people who you think would enjoy looking at life from these perspectives! I know what I have to say is valuable –because I see so many lives, and my own, so deeply healed and transformed; this is why I put the time in here, to offer this insight freely.

    I wish you much Love! You are not alone.

    Tiago Iorc – My Girl [Acoustic]

    Wow! I just found the (above) song! I quieted my mind to see what would “fit” and I thought: “I’ve got Sunshine…” So I searched on YouTube and this is the first one I was “drawn” to… In this beautiful acoustic version, Tiago Iorc, who I do not know of, slows the song down, and –captures the beauty and essence– the FEELING of what Real Love feels like, vs. the “quick fix” of “rotating relationships” and addictions we often run to. The true “Sunshine” is the Source of all Love– “my girl” is “real” but also a signpost to the Real- REAL….(I describe all of this here in my “Girl Longing” songs/playlist on Youtube!) Enjoy!

    Love is the Answer — Seminar

     

    This video is 1 hour 20 min.long:

    Love is the Answer seminar

    …It is a one hour seminar I presented recently, then I recorded a longer, more in depth version for YouTube.  It is on Psychological and Spiritual growth.  Although I have authored 3 books, this is my first Video, so it is not as polished as I would like– but what I say is purposeful and there are deep concepts that have changed my life and my client’s lives.

    It’s all about learning to remove the barriers between ourselves and LOVE.  If you would like me to expand on any area– comment at the video or here.
    Much Love to you!

    Marriage/relationships, a refresher course

    I had the radio on for 5 min the other day (am) and the host said:

    “I used to love her, but I’m just not in love anymore….”

    I seriously thought about calling in…but that’s what’s great about this blog, I can direct that energy and understanding here so people that want to learn and want to free themselves, can.

    Marriage and relationships are a funny mystery…if we understand part of their purpose then we can appreciate this place of “being married” much more!

    Imagine, for a moment, that you have all these old emotional wounds from childhood– but they may be “dormant” — you have “sufficient” space between yourself and most others –where very few people activate these old wounds….

    Enter—> a spouse and kids!

    A spouse is like a mirror, he or she brings out whatever “deficiencies” or wounds you have. Remember, we “go back” to where we were hurt in childhood, we find someone familiar to push into that old role of our parents. (Notice the word “family” in familiar…Our spouses often reactivate our old family drama.)

    What we find out though, through our anger and disappointment, is that we found someone who was wounded in the same way as us—who reacted to those wounds, in an opposite way than us. (I’ll explain/describe, below). That person is just as “disabled” as us, but they can empathize well because he does know the same pain.

    Here’s the example:

    Let’s say that both partners were neglected in childhood. One child may react by becoming a performer, outgoing, seeking attention to try to fill the neglect….the other child totally shuts down and became introverted– trying to deny his felt needs for love and closeness. Both people “magically” find eachother –(the shy person wants to be more outgoing and “confident”…the outgoing one is exhausted from performing and doesn’t want to feel so needy)…. they think the other will heal them…when, really, they have both just reacted an opposite way to the same pain. (What they each need is the solution not a reaction.)

    Regardless of how that example sounds marriage is still a sacred union that can truly be the catalyst we needed in order to SEE what was broken and take responsibility to heal it. (It CAN be healed, it’s just that we are now adults, our parents and spouses cannot heal us…only we can, with the help of the Creator, who is LOVE, who gives this LOVE freely….we just don’t yet experience it…if we still think it’s our spouse’s job, or that we’re meant to just be empty, resentful, performing, or begging the rest of our lives…etc).

    This is why though, we have that phenomenon where we experienced falling in love and once we find out that person does not have the solution, but their own reaction
    —and we find out they are not healing us
    — and our inadequacies are all the more apparent,
    —and we engage in a “power struggle” trying to push the other person into reading our mind and loving us in all the ways our parents didn’t…
    —and it’s still not working…
    —then people complicate everything cause they think that diving into a new pool (affair or divorce) will solve everything, when really, they just needed to learn how to swim! (it’s a CS Lewis quote, in his book “The Four Loves” …we like the sensation of diving/”falling in love” so much but we never learn to swim…).

    Even when we leave our spouse for the affair the broken patterns we have within us, do manifest in the new “affair” relationship anywhere between 2 hours and 2 years (Harville Hendrix’ book: Keeping the Love You Find is the best book I’ve found on this– except for he emphasizes that the other person can heal you, and they can’t, not in and of themselves, — but Hendrix has amazing insight as to how we are wounded in each stage of development and what it looks like as adults and that our partner does act as a mirror and shows us what needs healing…just look at the re-occurring arguments!  They point to exactly what you are wanting.)

    One more point before wrapping up this post, that I’m sure to mention lots more– is Shakespeare’s quote:

    Thou dost protest too loudly!

    Look to wherever the energy is–and you will see what old pain keeps getting re-activated and then you can begin to take the steps to SEE it, take responsibility for your own pain, and begin to heal it!

    It’s the pie/pizza rule…. If your spouse or child does something that really only warrants addressing with 1/8th piece of the pie, but you are throwing the WHOLE thing at them…then that 7/8ths is your own unconscious “baggage” not theirs– and the more you over react with them, the less chance you have of actually addressing the 1/8th that needs to be addressed at some point–and a MUCH less chance of ever seeing your own stuff because you’re so lost in rage at theirs.

    Jesus was showing us they way to heal when he directed us to take the log out of our own eye then we will be able to remove the speck out of our brothers.

    There’s lots more…but this will help you be more loving and compassionate to that kind person we’ve been engaging in all this madness for so many years! I know, they’ve been doing it too…but you can heal what is missing, and learn to forgive “all debts owed to you” from the past– and it REALLY cuts down on resentment….

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    The Canvas of Your Life

    Dear Ones– Yeah, You!!

    In the late 90’s I followed this “weird” call of my intuition one night and ended up befriending a certain musician, fellow “Texan,” also a child of a psychiatrist (like me),…his name was Elliott Smith. His beautiful songs were in the movie Goodwill Hunting… So anyways, we were talking one evening and I told him how lucky he was, to be able to live the life as an ARTIST– and he said:

    —Cheryl, you are an artist and the canvas is a person’s life …you get to work with them to create something beautiful… —

    I was always drawn to music, art, and writing– but had never considered myself an “artist” before he so kindly catalyzed that idea to the surface.

    Truly, we are all artists, creative-creators. (Elliott also told me not to be afraid of cliche’s!!)

    In the Scriptures there is a verse that says we are God’s ~poema~ (in the Greek)…poem, or masterpiece…

    C.S. Lewis has a wonderful quote about how oftentimes we’d rather be a simple scribbled-drawing done in a day– instead of a masterpiece that God continues, unceasingly, to work on.

    This post is about the importance of taking this canvas of your life seriously; consciously doing something beautiful with it– because this work effects the whole world!!

    This work is not about staring at this false-self (present-day-personality) of ours in the mirror –to prop her up more, no, indeed, this is quite the opposite of that… That part of us is to be let go of, or consciously worked with, as a vehicle, when we find we are able!! As Elliott wrote in his lyrics, it is a type of clown part of us:

    –The hero kills the clown…
    The slow motion moves me
    The monologue means nothing to me
    Bored in a role, but he can’t stop
    Standing up to sit back down
    Or lose the one thing found–
    ~ Elliott Smith

    I really mean this: the clearing out of (or making conscious) your subconscious patterns–changes the world!  If God is the “light of the world” and you are covered in smudges that are in need of light, healing, transformation –then, you, taking responsibility to undertake such a cleaning and transformation –are then cleared– so that the individual being that is truly YOU can shine the Light of the Creator more brightly!  This effects EVERYone!

    This work is not done “magically” or just by reciting words in prayer– prayer can certainly help (I heard someone teaching the other day that prayer has a distinct vibration from anything else, a sincere prayer from your heart is always heard/received, creates something…). But this work requires your will, your feelings, and your reasoning- all 3 engaged.

    We will journey on this adventure together in this blog –as we discover more of what the true and deep meaning is, to respect this Canvas that the Creator gave us to work with –and work, engage with LOVE, to create that which is truly beautiful!!

    As Dostoevsky says:
    “The world will be saved by beauty”

    Elliott loved the Russian writers, like Dostoevsky and Tolstoy (and Kierkegaard, though he’s not Russian, but he writes beyond my depth, like them!!)

    Here are some quotes of Tolstoy’s that I found, directly before I started writing this post:
    LEO TOLSTOY, What Is Art?

    “Real art, like the wife of an affectionate husband, needs no ornaments. But counterfeit art, like a prostitute, must always be decked out. The cause of production of real art is the artist’s inner need to express a feeling that has accumulated….The cause of counterfeit art, as of prostitution, is gain. The consequence of true art is the introduction of a new feeling into the intercourse of life, as the consequence of a wife’s love is the birth of a new man into life. The consequences of counterfeit art are the perversion of man, pleasure which never satisfies, and the weakening of man’s spiritual strength.”

    “Art is the uniting of the subjective with the objective, of nature with reason, of the unconscious with the conscious, and therefore art is the highest means of knowledge.” ~Tolstoy

    Here’s a short story by Tolkien about a man, Niggle, who was working on his life’s canvas actually… It’s called:
    “A Leaf by Niggle

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    (this is a picture I found in a book, by Autumn De Wilde–there I was, in the picture…that was the first night I met him too….listening to our intuition is a wild ride!)

    Finding a Psychologist

    When looking for a psychologist or therapist there are many things to look for!! (Because this is “my” blog –I am just going to be frank– I’m certainly not saying I am “right” or that this is as comprehensive as I’d like to be– but hopefully my informed views can spur you on to consider things for yourself on another level in this search for a psychologist.)

    1) We are where we are because we created this situation. Whatever pattern we keep repeating over and over again in disguised or not-so-disguised ways –is because we have long-held internal dynamics/patterns.

    We have, in certain ways, continued to feed defenses or reactions we formed early in childhood — now what I SEE– over and over, is that people finally seek “help” because the consequences of these continued actions has manifested enough PAIN that they are (often temporarily) motivated to change their ways.
    None of us are that invested in changing, usually, or we would have:

    “You show what you want by what you do” Dr. Alan Surkis

    We aren’t invested because we don’t realize that we can find much much much better ways of offering ourselves REAL protection and REAL LOVE. We stick ourselves to our old patterns and remain stuck.

    I’ll have to create another blog post for all of this, back to the subject—->
    What happens, more often than I wish, is we will go and find a therapist or psychologist that INDULGES our defenses!! He or she will sit for an hour (or two) a week & listen to us complain about how our pain is manifesting here (at work), here (at home), here (with the kids– who learn these same patterns!), here (with my way of relating with the Creator/my spiritual life) and HERE (with my spouse & within myself psychologically and physically!)!

    I could spend absolutely FOREVER listening to each of my clients complain about any one or all of these “piles” — and they may temporarily feel better because someone is LISTENING– but I tell you, unequivocally, it is a complete DISSERVICE!!

    Imagine an old wagon wheel with all the spokes going out–the spokes represent all the piles of problems we’ve inadvertently created by not seeing that we could take responsibility for our patterns, and change them/ really heal. Ok, so, if a person goes into the CORE, or the center of the wagon wheel and heals THAT then all the spokes will begin to change as well.
    Some of my clients get really angry at first because they say “I am paying you to listen!” and believe me, I am listening, but I won’t let them just sit and waste their time, energy and will — complaining about the piles they have created!! That is PLEASING/ indulging and it is a cruel practice. (One can see the documentary movie called Buck–and see what happens to the lady that kept indulging her horse and it literally almost charged and killed her…I know this seems unrelated, but it is not— I’m telling you plainly, when we indulge these old and broken parts of ourselves we torture not only ourselves but others– all while having the best of intentions!).

    So 1) Do not go to a therapist who will just indulge you in this “I am a victim, please feel sorry for me” place.
    (When you dig up –all-of-everything bad— from the past you can activate old elementals that were dormant and now you have actually re-activated/animated them!)

    (you will not get better this way and you will remain blind to the destructive defenses you have been employing & “befriending” for years!)

    2) re-read 1!! Haha!! That’s basically “it” — the word therapy in Greek is “healing” the word psyche= soul — psychotherapy is MEANT to help you heal you so that you are re-aligned to the deepest part of yourself (not this exterior ego/present-day-personality self we become so invested in).

    2) do not find a “new parent” for a therapist– my job, as I see it, is not to BE my client’s parents– but to TEACH them, reveal to them–the abilities they already have, that the Creator bestowed to each of us– to be truly LOVING. Not to sound cliche’– but the client gets to learn how to parent themselves in a kind way so that they can then integrate their healed (formerly arrested-development-child-self) with the new kind-(not indulgent)-parent that we “activated” or manifested from the raw materials God gave us.

    Believe me, I know how nice it SEEMS to have someone say:
    “it’s all them, none of it is you, you are a poor victim & I am going to be your new parent.” …for 100-200$ a week or whatever people charge these days!!

    I’ll wrap this post up here– and, as “always”, when I make the time, I plan to leave links within and at the bottom for you to do more of an in-depth practice/growing/learning from your own initiative, if you’d like to!

    Here is a good page on Dr. William Callahan’s web site on “preparing for therapy”– an EXCELLENT resource in itself!  Skip down to “preparing for a session with me” section:
    Dr. Callahan’s perspective

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