I do this because….
It’s important, on this path of bringing the subconscious things we do into the conscious, that we are not demanding and judgmental towards ourselves. I’m not saying: “everything goes.” …but when a person keeps doing the same thing over and over –the whole:
“you’re an idiot and why the ____ are you doing that!!?!!!”
doesn’t work to bring change into our lives.
One thing I was taught by Dr. Alan Surkis, was that if I ask my clients direct questions like “why?” it puts them in the defensive position and it also indicates that I need the answer. I don’t need any answers. They are there to give the answers to themselves, not to me.
Instead of asking yourself who?, what?, why?, when?— it’s important to learn the path of exploration. I describe it as shining a light into the darkness to see. — Yes, we do discover what is going on and why and when it started, etc. But we are not demanding answers of ourselves either.
The example I gave in my now out of print book: Unbreakable Bonds: Practicing the Art of Loving and Being Loved (which I see is 2$ used!! Perfect!! I’ll try to get it on a free PDF sometime if possible!! ) –anyways, the example was just a simple one– if I (metaphorically) hit myself over the head every morning with a red frying pan… I can start the exploration of seeing:
“I do this because….”
Ans: “…because I wanted to be my own person…. My parents always did it with a blue frying pan– and I chose the red one!!”
Isn’t this like what we do though?? I don’t mind using silly sounding examples if they work– I could just as easily say
“I often drink excessively to the point of drunkenness because….”
Ans.: “….because my parents were drug addicts and I never wanted to touch drugs, they’re horrible!!! So instead I numb myself with alcohol….”
Let’s follow the example of drinking excessively (believe me, there are many many other more subtle forms of addiction we can follow without even realizing how similar the pattern is to “an alcoholic” or “drug addict”, etc)
Ok, so without judgment, let’s continue this example:
“I often drink to the point of drunkenness because….”
Ans: “I just want to numb myself”
And I want to numb myself because…
Ans: “No one taught me how to deal with/connect with feelings…”
And I wait for someone to show up and teach me how to connect with feelings (mine and others) because….
Ans: because (“bc”) ….bc they never did, they are my parents it is their job.
And I can sit here and wait forever for “them” to “get it” but they may never “get it” …so let’s see why I want to put my life on hold and wait for them to SEE that they never showed me how to accept and connect with feelings, how to be present, how to build true intimacy …. I refuse to see the possibility that God/Source/Creator equipped me with this capacity but my parents didn’t “water” or activate this capacity within me.
It was their job then, but you cannot give away what you don’t have–(they innately did have it, but they were most likely waiting for their parents to “get it” and activate this ability in them). So Joshua Immanuel (Jesus) showed us how to free ourselves from this pattern– He taught us to pray “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”
This is a debt that they owed us (of deep love, as a parent is meant to give)– but they didn’t pay it–how long are we going to sit here and re-send (resent) the bill to them???? We can wait forever, or we can instead find our way out of this by exploring now:
I wait here instead of learning how to activate this knowledge from deep within because…..
Ans.: “….bc that’s what they did….they acted like it was an impossibility not to sit here in this passive position?!?!!!…I must keep waiting like a child, right?”
I’ll continue with this in the next post, most likely, unless something more important reveals itself! (but I will return to it!)
I hope this pattern of self exploration was beneficial for you in your life at this moment!
Much love dear friends!